My Condensed Story

I’m not sure where to begin on this one. It’s pretty personal and I wavered back-and-forth on whether or not I should write and publish it. Then again, what a fitting internal conflict to have considering the title. In order to cover my bases, I’ll preface this post and say that it’s in no way intended to be read as medical advice; I make no claims for its relevance to anybody but myself. In other words, it’s catharsis for me.

Alright, so, I’ll rewind the clock a bit. I struggled with anxiety at a very young age. The simplest example I can think of was eating a piece of candy in my room. I convinced myself that I had probably swallowed a piece of the wrapper and could choke, despite - deep down - knowing that I hadn’t actually done so. I could see the full wrapper in front of me, but something told me there was still a chance. As I’ve gotten older, this very same thought pattern persists; much to my frustration. When I was a bit older, pre-teens and early teens, I had this annoying habit of asking friends and family the same question over and over. Again, I recognized I was doing it, but it’s like I couldn’t stop. “Guys, do you think it’ll damage my brain if I stay up too late?”, or other silly questions. My friends would even call me out on it, but that didn’t stop me. Like the other example, this habit remains. Throughout my life I’ve moved through so many worry patterns, revisiting many of them when I’d exhausted others. Things like: kidney disease, losing short-term memory, brain tumors, heart problems, etc. Not only that, but I can barely listen to other people discuss medical issues without thoughts creeping in about how “I have that symptom, I must have it.” It’s an exhausting way to live and, honestly, it robs me of living in the moment.

Then, in 2015, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. It hit me pretty hard. There were many thoughts I had about it; this is the one-and-only body I get during my time here and it was betraying me. It also served as some sort of illogical validation that, indeed, I should have been worrying about my body because “See! Something is actually wrong.” Needless to say, Celiac and anxiety made for one ugly combination. The lifestyle that Celiac requires seems to exacerbate anxious tendencies. “Is the counter wiped off?”, “did I touch a doorknob with traces of gluten on it?”, “was this cooked in the same pot as something that contained gluten?” If I really sit down, I can think of thousands of questions like this; to the point where I almost feel paralyzed. Not to mention, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the trap of assuming that any little ache or pain means that I’ve been “glutened” and my insides are being torn up. For someone that already suffered with anxiety, it’s a constant struggle to keep my mind from wondering back to “what if” scenarios and being hyper-vigilant about my body.

So that’s the background. It’s part of me, whether I like it or not. However, I recently realized that time was passing right in front of me and I was practically oblivious to it; In computer terms, my CPU has been dedicating too many resources to worry processes. I want to make a change. I want to look out my window again on a Spring day and feel those butterflies about life, the possibility of each day, and the joy in my life. I’m still working out exactly how I’m going to do that, but I think it starts with small steps:

1. Accepting
2. Mindfulness
3. Gratitude
4. Creativity

Moving Forward

With everything said, I want to start a new chapter in my life. Instead of dwelling on the past and everything that’s happened, I want to simply accept that’s how things were; to be a passive observer of my life before. If I continue wishing things had worked out differently for me, I’m likely to stay in that vicious cycle of “what if”. That’s my acceptance. I want to practice mindfulness in the sense that I can live in the here-and-now. Rather than my thoughts drifting elsewhere, I want to experience what’s in front of me. Carpe the diem; that’s my mindfulness. I also need to appreciate what I have, hands down. Family, shelter, food, friends, support, love, etc. It’s too easy to focus on negatives, and by doing so, I diminish my blessings; gratitude. Finally, an important part of my life is creativity. I want to seize opportunities to create, which I think is a facet of living in the moment. Creativity has always helped me offload my burdens and making that a focus in my life is a far better use of my energy.

Phew.